Cracked Like a Nut
by Jan Lee
Summary: ONESHOT, sorta longish, though. Wolfram cracks a tooth and has to visit the dentist. Only, Wolfram is terrified to go. Lots of oddity and weirdness inside. Wolf-centric.


**Disclaimer: I don't own KKM.**

**A/N:** So I recently cracked a tooth on only God-knows-what. And I thought to myself, 'How funny would it be if one of the KKM guys cracked a tooth and had to go to the dentist?' Assume that the world this story occupies has medieval dentists (or something). I present to you:

**Cracked Like a Nut**

**I. The Tooth**

"YEEEEOOWWW!" Wolfram shrieked at the top of his lungs, his dinner fork clattering to the table. Nobody had heard a 'yeow' from Wolfram before. Everyone, of which included Conrart, Yuri, and Gwendal, stopped eating and conversing abruptly. All eyes shifted to watch Wolf massage his jaw. His cheeks were slightly pink.

"You alright, Wolf?" asked Yuri, concern reflected in his black eyes. Wolf balefully glared at Yuri.

"I'm fine, you wimp. I just bit on something hard, is all," he retorted, looking back down at his plate. Celi swept in, just then, shining and golden as usual.

"Oh, I hope Yuri isn't hurt," she suggested brightly.

"PFFFT!" Gwen sprayed wine nearly across the table as the implication sunk in. Conrart coughed suspiciously into his hand, as their mother took her place at the table.

"You need to swallow, not breathe, that wine, Gwen, love," she reminded him, and glanced in Wolfram's direction with a pert smile. "And Wolfie, sweetheart, you won't catch His Majesty's eye looking like _that_."

Wolfram scowled at his mother, now worried that Yuri might think him unattractive. However, the Demon King was smiling vacantly at Celi as she engaged him in conversation. Wolfram continued pressing at the side of his mouth, where a tooth throbbed ominously.

"You've hurt your tooth," Conrart whispered to Wolfram, leaning in to do so. He wasn't asking a question. His closeness irked Wolfram into a quick hot temper.

"Get _away_ from me, you _damned_ HUMAN!" he yelled, half-rising from his seat. Gwen cut Wolfram down with a sharp look. Yuri was now frowning at him, as well, with a line between his eyebrows that indicated irritation. Wolfram planted his butt in the seat. There was only one thing to do to deflect this thundering silence.

"I've….hurt my tooth," he said shyly, flush coloring his cheeks fully. He looked around the table, and everyone seemed to be a little stunned, but it was Celi who broke the heavy silence.

"Oh, is that all? I'll schedule an appointment with the dentist first thing in the morning," she told him. At her amused giggle, the tension slipped away and everyone continued eating.

"How bad is it?" Yuri asked, seeing Wolfram grimace when he deigned to take another bite of food.

"I'm sure a puny wuss like yourself would faint from the agony," he deadpanned. A soft snort from the side revealed Conrart's failed attempt to stifle a laugh. Yuri growled, his eyes flashing.

"_I'm not a wimp or a wuss!_" he exploded, slapping his hands on the table. And everything was back to normal until the next day.

**II. The Dentist**

The dentist. Wolfram wiped his sweaty palms on the knees of his pants, glancing furtively across the breakfast table. Yuri was calmly eating, nodding absently as Gunter outlined the schedule for the day.

The dentist. The last time Wolfram had a run-in with Dr. Demented was when his permanent teeth were coming in and he was losing baby teeth left and right. Well…he recalled an instance with Gwendal, a string, his wiggling tooth, and a slammed door.

The _dentist_. He shuddered, feeling a foreboding chill crawl up his spine. Why had his stupid tooth chosen to _crack_? And who 'cracked' their teeth anyway? Wolfram clenched his jaw. Yes, the throb was still there, pulsating away in his nerves. He had wished feverishly the night before that his tooth would spontaneously seal.

The only benefit was that Yuri had examined him extensively, and he'd identified the crack in Wolfram's tooth.

_The dentist._ As the minutes ticked closer to Wolfram's dentist appointment, Wolfram couldn't help but feel closer to his doom. His eggs stared back at him, unnecessarily bright and happy on this obviously dreaded day.

"…Wolf? Dude, you're spaced out," Yuri said to him, interrupting Wolfram's darkening thoughts. What the hell was Yuri babbling about now?

"ERRRR! I'm NOT a _dude_, you wimpy cretin," Wolfram fired back. Yuri and Gunter's eyebrows raised in tandem. They exchanged looks that clearly said 'Touchy.'

"I believe that Lord Wolfram is apprehensive about the dentist's appointment this morning," Gunter suggested, a smug look settling on his aristocratic features. Wolfram had never in his life wanted to cut Gunter's pastel hair more than at this moment right now. A look shadowed Wolfram's features that was normally reserved for jealous moments and Yuri.

"You know that I can't understand you when you talk like that, Gunter," Yuri said, rolling his eyes skyward at Gunter's formal language.

"What he means," said Conrart, passing though and overhearing the conversation, "is that Wolfram is afraid of the dentist." He gave a knowing smile to Yuri, nodded his head in Wolfram's direction, and moved on through.

Wolfram was about to explode a capillary. A vicious vein throbbed at his head, and the shadow had not faded from his eyes. He shook with his fury.

"Wolfram," Gwen's stern voice interrupted Wolfram's lather. "The dentist is here early."

Almost immediately Wolfram's anger dissipated, and in it's place, a sudden nervousness and anxiety. Before he could stop it, a pathetic whimper escaped from his lips. Yuri fought a war with himself: get back at Wolfram for calling him a wimp all the time, or help a friend in need of moral support. Yuri sighed, wondering when he was ever NOT going to be a wimp.

"Wolf, if you want me to, I'll go with you to the dentist," he offered. Gunter was beaming softly while at the same time laughing hysterically (in his mind, of course) that Little Lord Brat was going to get his just desserts.

Now it was Wolf's turn to wage war within himself. Should he accept Yuri's offer and lose some pride; or would he reject the offer and save his pride, only to lose it at the hands of that…that…that _maniac_? He confusedly poked his eggs and ran his tongue thoughtfully over his cracked tooth.

"I guess I could use your wimpy support," Wolf sighed, sounding long suffering. It secretly pleased him that Yuri would go to such lengths to make him feel better.

"Hurry up you two. Dr. Czechkov won't wait all day," the Honorable Eldest Son warned as he turned smartly on his heel. Thank God Yuri had offered to accompany Wolf to the dentist. Gwendal had that job long ago, and it was an experience he wouldn't soon forget. He listened as Yuri and Wolfram walked behind him.

"It's understandable to be freaked out about the dentist," Yuri was saying. It was obvious the Demon King was trying to comfort Wolfram.

"You _don't_ understand," Wolf huffed in aggravation. "This dentist is a madman. He uses his instruments of torture so effectively you can't even think for the pain. And he gets a thrill from hearing you scream."

"I think you're exaggerating," said Yuri with a conciliatory chuckle. Gwendal didn't bother to turn and agree with Wolfram on this one.

"Just you wait and see," Wolfram grumped. Although Gwendal did not have eyes on the back of his head, he still saw Wolfram cross his arms in a snit.

At last they arrived to the room where the dentist had set up. Gwendal gestured to the dark double doors. Wolfram stared at them, suddenly paling. He felt utterly small and weak.

"Ah, you know….I think my tooth is all better," he said shakily. Somewhere around the word 'think,' his voice cracked to a higher octave. It didn't go unnoticed.

"It seems everything is cracking about you," Gwendal told Wolfram as he placed his hand on the door handle. He had just fired the command to turn the handle along his synapses when…

"WAAAAAIT!" Wolfram wailed. His elder brother paused with a 'what the hell is it now?' look on his face. "_I can't do this!_"

"_What_ are you _whining_ about? You…" Gwendal started and was interrupted by Yuri.

"Wolf. I'm the wimp here, not you. There's nothing to worry about…I'll be right there with you the entire time," he said, taking Wolfram by the shoulders. The blonde boy was trembling and looked slightly ill.

"Yes, stop being a baby," Gwendal muttered as he opened the door. The creak it made startled Wolfram and Yuri. They both hesitated in front of the doorway, but Gwendal solved that problem by shoving the both of them into the room and slamming the door behind them. He got some satisfaction from locking it shut.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," said Gwendal to no one in particular as he trooped off to perform some official duties.

Inside the 'waiting' room, Yuri tried to get Wolfram to calm down. The room was darker than it needed to be, and shadows and darkness enclosed both boys. Wolfram was seeing demons and ghosts with every flicker of light, and couldn't help but hear eerie organ music swell from the background somewhere. Wolfram nearly screamed in fright when Yuri flicked open the curtains and let light pour into the suffocating room.

"Is it me, or is it hot in here?" Wolfram whispered. His uniform was soaked through at the armpits and collar with sweat. Yuri didn't hear him over the vampire music that rattled the windows.

"Where's that music coming from?" Yuri asked loudly, covering his ears when the crescendo swelled into unearthly tones. He glanced at Wolfram, saw the other swoon in fear, and leapt to steady him before he fell and cracked his head open. 'That's the last thing we need,' Yuri thought, hoisting Wolfram by the arm. The music ceased and a door opened with a loud, stubborn 'eerrr…errrrk…erk.'

"Hahahahahaha! Velcome, Volfram and…Your Majesty! Vhat a plheasant surplrise," a low, thickly accented voice rumbled. Yuri glanced around and found the source. The dentist, or so Yuri assumed, looked like the kind of man who would pronounce 'W' like 'V'.

"Ah, hi…um, Dr. Czeckhov?" Yuri asked hesitantly. The man glided (or maybe Yuri hadn't seen him walk) closer to Yuri and Wolfram and stopped short of the edge of shadow and light that crossed the carpet. The dentist had thick black hair that was greased back from his forehead and milky skin. His wireless glasses, gleaming in the reflection of light, settled on a sharp nose.

"Zhat is correct, Your Majesty. It's been a vhile young Volfram, has it not?" Dr. Czeckhov asked of Wolfram. Wolfram nodded dazedly.

"I need a few more me-nuts. Please, make yourselves…comfort-table," the dentist told Yuri and Wolfram before gliding (yes, he definitely glided) back through the doors which whammed closed firmly.

Yuri tried not to think how this creepy dentist acted like Dracula. The music started in again, rumbling so thoroughly that Yuri's lungs and heart vibrated with the deep swell.

"You think he'd turn that down," Yuri mumbled, maneuvering Wolfram to a couch. Yuri let Wolfram rest as he examined the rest of the room. He hadn't noticed in the dark, but the ceiling had some sort of picture of an enormous battle raging between dark creatures wearing purple and light creatures wearing red. Several buttresses where adorned with gargoyles and dragon-like motifs. Yuri turned when he heard a shuffle behind him.

Wolfram's eyes were closed and he was thrashing about, moaning. His cheeks were flushed and sweat poured down Wolfram's face, worrying Yuri. The young king tried to wake Wolfram by shaking him, slapping his face, even snapping at his nose. Nothing he did worked, but seemed to only make things worse. Then, thinking quickly, Yuri grabbed a vase of flowers, and pitched the whole thing onto Wolfram. It took a minute for Wolfram to shake himself from the throes of the nightmare and become violently angry with Yuri.

"Just WHAT do you _think_ you're DOING?!" he shouted, jumping up from the bed, sopping wet from sweat and dirty vase water. Yuri stood sheepishly to the side and shrugged.

"You were having a nightmare," he answered quietly. "I tried waking you but…"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Wolfram continued at top volume, "I'm _leaving_!"

With that, Wolfram started stomping to the door. Yuri grabbed Wolfram's arm. An aggressive game of tug-of-war ensued, in which Yuri and Wolfram wrangled over possession of Wolfram's arm. When Yuri proved to have the ability to cling like a leech, Wolfram charged toward the door anyway, Yuri hanging on with his heels dragging in the carpet.

"Wolf…you've…got…to…see…the…._dentist_!" Yuri gritted out, sounding like it was a tangle between exertion and frustration.

"I will NOT!" Wolf retorted, reaching his other hand to the door. His escape was so close…just another…few feet…

"For _Pete's sake_, don't be a CHICKEN!" replied Yuri, desperate for Wolfram to follow through on this one thing, at least. Yuri fell back on his butt when Wolfram stopped providing resistance.

"What did you call me?" Wolfram asked quietly. He was glaring furiously at Yuri. The temperature in the room chilled about twenty degrees, causing Yuri to shiver. He had wanted Wolfram's attention, and now he had it. Maybe that wasn't such a good move, an inner voice told Yuri when Wolfram stepped forward threateningly, a murderous glint to his green eyes.

"I am rheady for you, Volfram," Dr. Czechkov interrupted. Yuri hadn't heard the door open or the music quiet. Wolfram stiffened, drawing both arms tight to his side and lifting his chin up a few notches. Yuri scrambled to his feet, startled, and stood by Wolfram's side.

"Don't be a chicken," Yuri reminded Wolf lowly. He received a quick glare in return.

"Come," beckoned Dr. Czechkov and preceded the two young men into his 'office.'

**III. The Chair**

The entire place looked like Frankenstein's lab. Metal levers were everywhere, coils sparked with light (how that was possible when these people didn't use electricity, Yuri didn't know), bubbling test tubes and burning Bunsen burners were among more complex, frightening machines. The dentist wound around all these _interesting_ contraptions, finally gesturing to a seat under a glorified lantern. Yuri couldn't help but noticed the leather straps attached to the chair.

Wolfram swallowed visibly, and looking like a walking dead man, slowly sat in the seat. His large, green eyes made Yuri think of a frightened rabbit on the road in traffic. Yuri nodded to Wolfram and glanced around for somewhere to sit.

"Ovher there, Youhr Majesty," Dr. Czeckhov pointed, and Yuri saw a bench against probably the only bare wall in the establishment. The dentist turned his attention back to Wolfram, his mouth and nose covered suddenly by a cloth handkerchief, and waited barely a second for Wolfram to get situated before reaching under the chair and flopping Wolfram back.

"Let's see vhat the probhlem is," he said, pressing a button on the base of the chair with his foot. A cart came hurtling out of the wall beside Yuri. It moved along a track and stopped with a screech at Dr. Czechkov's side. Yuri saw several metal utensils gleam sharply in the light. The dentist held up his hands, now in white gloves, poised for what looked like a strike in the tray. Lightening fast, he descended his hands, and flicked up the chosen instruments. One was a small hook-looking thing, and the other was a large hook-looking thing.

Wolfram wiggled in his seat. He was blinded by the lantern hanging from the ceiling, and had nearly fainted from the tray coming out of the wall. He watched, frozen in complete terror, when the dentist held up the two mouth hooks. 'I'm going to die. I'm going to die,' Wolfram thought to himself. A movement to the side reminded him that Yuri was there, watching. 'Don't be a wimp. Don't _be_…a _wimp_.' He could do this, he realized, just don't think abou...

His thoughts were cut off with gut-clenching fear as Dr. Czechkov shoved his instruments into Wolf's mouth. Yuri watched as Wolf twitched on the seat a few times and fainted dead away. Stunned into silence, Yuri couldn't say anything as Dr. Czechkov worked on Wolfram.

"BWHAHAHAHAHA," laughed Dr. Czechkov, removing the hooks from Wolfram's mouth to get the chuckle in. "Youhr Majesty, it seems I need youhr…as_sis_tance."

Yuri was hesitant to provide any type of 'as_sis_tance.' Nevertheless, the dentist hadn't done anything outright to hurt Wolfram, so Yuri went to the chair and stood.

"You need to hold open Volfram's mouth," the dentist instructed Yuri. Yuri did so.

Ten minutes later, Wolfram's cracked tooth was sealed.

"Zhat is all. You may leave vhen you rheady," said Dr. Czechkov. "Be sure he doesn't eat anythingk fhor at least an hour."

"That was it?" Yuri asked. It was so…anti-climatic.

"Vhat vere you expectingk?" replied Dr. Czechkov, dumping his used instruments into a beaker of cleaning solution. He rolled on his chair to a dark corner, where a keyboard spread along the wall. It was then Yuri noticed the gigantic pipes webbing along the wall. The dark, foreboding music started up again. 'Oh, geez,' Yuri thought, glancing down at Wolfram. His friend was coming around.

"What…happened?" he asked weakly, holding his hand to his head. Had he fallen asleep…? No, he remembered a bright light, laughing, a sharp pain in his mouth…he noticed Yuri smiling at him.

"Your tooth is sealed. We can leave whenever you're ready," he said. Wolfram didn't like the goofy way Yuri was looking at him. What was that music? Slowly, Wolfram became aware of his surroundings. He realized in thundering and withering fear that he was _still in the dentist's lair!_

"RUUUUUN!" he shouted, gaining his feet and crashing toward the door like a tsunami. He had Yuri in tow, as well, and the wimp wasn't running _fast_ enough.

"MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Dr. Czechkov over the huge scales he was playing on the organ. He loved instilling fear in the hearts and teeth of young people, and just for fun, he warbled off a suspenseful measure in the lowest notes on the organ to match Wolfram and King Yuri's escape.

Wolfram didn't stop running until they were in the library and out of breath. Wolfram pressed a hand to his side where a stitch jabbed painfully. While Wolfram was recovering, Yuri couldn't help himself to a little ribbing.

"You are _such_ a chicken," he said playfully to Wolfram between breathing.

"Would you believe that the dentist isn't the only thing Wolfram is afraid of?" Conrart mentioned, coming from talking to Gunter about something or other. He was through the door before either Wolfram or Yuri could react to him.

"What else are you afraid of?" Yuri asked. Wolfram punched Yuri's shoulder angrily.

"NOTHING! Don't listen to that _human_," Wolfram said, humiliated by Conrart's tart behavior.

"Snakes," said Gwendal, who was entering the library at that time. He turned to casually toss something over to Wolfram. Yuri saw that it was long, slender, and flexible. Wolfram deftly caught it and held it firm as it nearly writhed out of his grip.

"Wha…?" he said before his mind caught up with his eyes. "GAAAUGH!"

A/N: That was a long-ass one-shot. Guess I should post in chapters, but I'm too lazy. Once again, if you've spent this much time reading this, you could at least review. Even if you hated it. Okay…I've got some homework to do. Blah.


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